Confusing title, I know, but anyway I thought I'd share some random funny things that happened a relatives wedding I attended a few days ago. As we all know every wedding has their own funny stories, every family has their 'from Mars' relative, but somehow I feel that we Pakistanis really take the (wedding) cake.
The wedding was of my first cousins son, who is actually my nephew, but is actually older than me cause his grandma, who is my dads sister is at least fifteen years older than him, hence my cousin is older and me and so is her son. Confused? So am I, and that is what my extended family is like.
Anyway, so since we were from the 'boys' side of the family and hence the 'baaraat' or 'wedding party' as you could call we we all had to first assemble at the boys house and then leave together in an entourage of cars to the wedding venue where the girls family would be, waiting for our 'istakbaal' ( welcome).
So my aunt, ( the boys grandmother) tells my dad, ' we have to assemble really early, be at my house at a quarter to eight!! SHARP!"... My dad is like 'oh sure sure OK'. This I found out when I came home from work at 6:30 pm. My Dad was like
Dad: Somkey!!! ( thats's not my real name,duh, but anyway) Smokey. hurry up and get ready we have to leave in an hour!
Me: What? What? Where why? I thought we were going to the wedding?!
Dad: We ARE going to the wedding now hurry up!
Me: Dad?.....It's 6:30, what kind of wedding in Pakistan starts at 7:30?
Dad: It's not starting at 7:30, we need to be at your aunts place by 7:45 and then leave at 8 for the wedding venue
Me: Dad, please, for heavens sake, what wedding on earth starts at 8? Please, let's not leave before 10
Dad: Beta, are you crazy? No no no. 7:45 MAX we leave now hurry hurry hurry hurry.
At this point my dad just kept on saying 'Hurry Hurry Hurry Hurry', until I was like 'okay
Anyway, so I got ready, and tried to delay our leaving as much as possible and still did not manage to postpone the eventual till 7:55 when we stormed out the door with my dad grumbling about how late we have already gotten and how he was sure that everyone must be impatiently waiting for us. *eyeroll*
So we get there at like, 8:15 and the whole place is silent, quiet. Not a sound in sight ( haha not exactly sound in sight, but you get the picture.
Mom: What? Have they left without us?
Me: No,way. Haha I bet they are still in their pajamas
Dad: No, beta please, it’s already so late…let’s go see.
Aaaand when the front door opened we were greeted by the grooms bro…in his pajamas
Dad: Son, you’re not ready yet?
Grooms Bro: No, Uncle, I’m just getting ready, It’s only 8
Dad: Your grandma told me to be here at 7:30!
Grooms Brother: Hehhe, Uncle, come on, you know everyone here operates 2 hours late when weddings are concerned.
Here let me pause in my story to tell me you the mechanics of a Pakistani wedding,
Everything goes by PWST (Paki Wedding Standard Time) which means GMT+5+ 2( added for the wedding schedule) If someone expects you to come at 10, they will say be there at 8, if you want your guests to arrive at 9, you need to say 7. Don’t make the mistake of saying 9, or else, you’ll have people start coming in at 11, which ruin the plans for you.
Ok, anyway, so now we are there, sitting around, getting bored as hell, looking at everyone running around in a flurry to get ready. It gave me a lot of time for observation though. I made lots on notes on my phone which helped me get a lot of material for this post.
One of the first things I noticed was thing ‘cougar aunite’ who was sitting in a corner with a sly smile of her face. She, I later found out, was the grooms mothers BFF from another city who was visiting. She promptly went up and started chatting up…. *Gasp* My dad. Hahaha It was so funny, she just randomly went up to him and started telling me about how the lady at the parlour messed up her hair and make up and how she was really disappointed and how it’s so hard to find someone to do good makeup for you.
At which point her eyes landed on me
Cougar Auntie: ( pointing at me) See! I want make up like HER, and look what that cow did with me
Me: eerr. heh heh… thank you?
Cougar: Yes yes your eye makeup is very nice
Me: ( now feeling a little proud) Thanks!....I did it MYSELF”
Cougar: Oh wow, that’s good, now I want you to come over and do my make up for me for the next wedding event. ( which was 2 days later)
I said there, frozen, blinking, thinking that no, she did just not ask me that, me go over to her house and do her make up? ….I didn’t even know her name!! Talk about creepy
Me: Er… um oh I’d love to but, I-I-I can only do make up for myself, I really can’t do it for someone else, it’s some hand coordination problem that I have…( which is funnily, the truth, I cannot even put eyeliner for someone else without messing it up, but I can manage fine when I do my own makeup- I do not know why this happens)
Anyway, so I got out of that mess.
At this point it was 8:15, and everyone was still rushing around, someone could not find their shoes, someone else could not find the camera, etc etc the usual commotion that takes place in a wedding place, and we were shifted to the drawing room where a bunch of other unwitting relatives, like us, had made the mistake of arriving early.
So, everyone is sitting around making extremely boring small talk and I was furiously typing away notes on my phone in the form of texting Furree Kattt a over-by over commentary on whatever was going on.
I was typing away on my phone when this little kid ( The grooms 8 year old cousin) comes up to me and starts to inquire what I am doing:
Kid: What are you going? What is that? What are you typing?
Me: I’m writing messages on my phone…
Kid: Why? Why are you doing that? Who are you typing to? Show me show me!!!
Me: No, It’s er….for WORK! I can’t show you
Kid: (making a grumpy face) Everyone always tells me that whenever I want to see what they are typing ( angrily stomps away….thank God).
So at this point it was 8:30 and there was no sign of anyone from the grooms immediate family being ready to leave, even the groom himself was MIA. Turns out he had been at a photo shoot for the past 10 hours or something.
Well finally at 9:45 everyone got ready and bumbled out of the house to sit in their respective cars. ( I kept giving my dad ‘I told you so’ looks, but he just ignored me, haha). We were just getting into our cars I had just sat down when suddenly I turned around and got the shock of my life, the ‘cougar auntie’ was standing near the car door trying to forcibly open it! I was like
Me: Errr… jee?
Cougar: Open the door!
Me: ( I got worried at what was so urgent, but keeping caution, I just rolled down the window instead)
Cougar: Do you have room in yout car for one more person?
Me: (thinking, oh God, she wants to sit with us, well… at least she the ride to the venue will have some entertainment) Oh sure, of course.
Cougar: Great! ( after which she promptly runs off to the car parked in front)
Here I was thinking that this hag has definitely gone mad when she was back dragging a maid by her arm and shoved her into my car next to me
Cougar: oh we have no place in that car, can she sit with you?
Me: oh, sure.
Cougar: Great! ( and then runs off back to her car)
Anyway, so we were all going to the venue, one car following another when I passed by cougar's car and it turns out…. There was PLENTY of place in her car! In fact, she was sitting all alone with the grooms younger brother ( who is about my age)
The poor guy was looking VERY uncomfortable and the cougar was all smiley in a satisfied Cheshire-Cat kind of way….
Wow, this is turning out to be one long post, as not to bore you all. I think I’ll split it into two parts and share the details of the rest of the events in a subsequent post.