# 101- No time to breathe & cubicle wars.

This is the second of July and I am already going crazy. I have a favorite cousin over from Belgium and we together have a million things to do, a million relatives to meet and a million weddings to attend.

Along with all of that I have been going crazy with a cubicle war at work. There was this girl who went on maternity leave for a whole YEAR and when she came back she had her eye on this cubicle that I already had been sitting in. Since she is two levels of management senior to me, I think she was automatically assuming that I would quietly get up and move once she got there. *eye-roll*  This is exactly how the convo went:

Her: (Walking in and putting all her things on my desk) Hello how are you?

Me: ( Looking at her in shock WTF is she doing!) :Er... hi ( get your stuff off my desk!)

Her: Oh so will  I be sitting HERE? ( pointing to where I was ALREADY sitting)

Me: (Trying to look as calm as possible) Er.. I am sitting here!

Her: ( Giving an EVIL smile, and patting me on the head): NOT FOR LONG......

Me: :S.......

Anyway, I KEPT on sitting there and she kept hovering around my desk hoping I would move- I didn't dare. I didn't even get up to go to the bathroom. By the end of the day, I was feeling sick. But least I held on to the place. 

I may have won the battle but the war is not over yet! Let's see what happens on Monday.

# 100 - Someday I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday

I've lately been having dreams of escaping this place, of getting away. Not just for a vacation, but permanently shifting out of this place I am in. I am truly beginning to feel that professionally, academically, financially,and personally, there is nothing left for me here anymore. 

I need to make a move. I need to be out of this place, out of this country, and leave everything behind. It is not about wanting to 'run away', it is about 'moving on' with life. Sort of like having a start to a 5-year plan. InshAllah.

I feel uneasy, like the calm before a storm, and I need to remain collected and get out before it is too late. I need to start and act immediately, and I cannot let anyone get in my way. Everything is just going to go downhill from here, and I don't want to be around when it crashes.

# 95 - What am I forgettting?

Noways I feel that there is something constantly nagging me at the back of my mind, telling me that I am forgetting something.Especially with stuff regarding office work.I have gone over my to-do lists over and over again, but I just can't seem to figure out what exactly I am not doing. I hate this feeling, it makes me feel all queasy in my tummy.

I have a few more 'thorough' blog posts in the mental pipeline which I shall share soon-until then.

# 82- Don't run toward, Don't run away. Just stand there

Since I am having another sleepness night, I have decided that I might as well use this time to write a blog post quickly before my laptop battery runs down ( It's currently at 41%).

I have realized something while I was trying to fall asleep for the past 2 hours but not managing to. Quite a few leanings I am getting this month from practicing various things. 

As per my previous posts, I learnt that SILENCE is the best policy when it comes to problems ( which have no solution) that you keep thinking about over and over again. So I stopped talking about my problems to people - well maybe except here on this blog- because it's my 'happy place'- anyway, so I stopped talking about my problems to people, I tried to be more quiet than I usually am, and it helped! I had a sense of calm and it worked for me.

Now my next step, ( what I mean to talk about right now when I say that I have come to a realization). The realization is that:

For a great part of my life  now I have always been running away or running toward something or the other.

Running toward love, running away from love, running away from confrontation, running toward trying to fix problems that don't concern me, running away from people at the right time and running toward those same people at the wrong time.

I mean enough. I have had enough of running 'away' and 'towards'. I am going to try and stop now. I am not going to run away, but I am not going to run toward either. No matter what the issue is. I am just going to stand there and watch me burn.... ok no kidding, haha, I just like that song.

Ok back to the serious topic. New learning for me:

STOP running away  STOP running towards.Just stand where I am and have faith in God.

Hope this helps, I am going to start implementing it from this morning, which should start in about.... 7 hours.

31 battery remaining.

I wonder if there is enough time for me to read a new random Listverse articles before I try to force myself to sleep, or do the self destructive thing and put the laptop on charge so I can keep loitering about here till 5 am.

# 81 - Sleepless in Karachi

The title of the blog post pretty much sums it all up:

It's 2 AM, I have work tomrrow, not only that, I have a bloody deadline tomorrow (that I should be working on but I am not) and instead I am online, and I cannot, just cannot sleep.

This the time of night where one crosses their 'sleep threshold' and then you are just awake till dawn. At this moment I don't even know if I want this to happen to me or not. It's confusing.

I could always watch TV, but I don't feel like it, I ought to work, but I just can't wrap my head around it right now, I should just sleep so I can wake up extra early and start the work early. 

On another note:

I've had a blast from the past recently, haha get it 'recently?' eh no? um, nevermind. yeah anyway, something that I had thought was long-forgotten, something that I would have liked to think was far, far behind me  has cropped up again. Is it good? Is it bad? I don't know, time will tell. or rather, there is no time it's running out as rapidly as my sleepiness is at the moment, the time-traveler who has made an attempt to step back into my life will tell.

Am I ready to sit back into the time machine?

Maybe.

# 79- Protest day 7 -10 ( or something like that)

Well, officially the 'Protest Days' are over. What I have generally learned is that one can be in 'protest mode' without over doing it and be just fine. So that is what I'll do. It's an art, really, but you can manage it just fine. The fine line between politely ignoring everyone and becoming a hermit.

For the past week however, I have been coming home from work at 6:30 pm, attempting ( and sometimes succeeding) in working out, and then after that it's just mindless tv till sleep comes.

On another note, I found this really nice blog online called

I wrote this for you   

I don't know the author is. I am sure most of you would have come across at some point. A lot of my fellow blogger friends think it's really depressing. It is. But some of the stuff that is written is really very beautiful.

like this one:

You always write down the things you need to do, rather than the things you've already done.

You've got it backwards.

# 78 - Thought I'd tell ya'll what I do for a living

To put it plainly- I am a media planner who works in a media buying house.

But for people ( who are unfamiliar with the terms); it's the most complicated thing to wrap their minds around.

To start if off, most people in Pakistan, especially aunties, once they hear that you are working, for some God-knows-what reason, always assume that you are at a bank. It happens with me so often, and usually goes like this:

Random Aunite at Random Family Event ( to be now known as RARFE) : Sooo beta ( for my foreign friends, 'beta' is a term used to refer to someone who is or could be like your son/daughter) 'what are you doing now? Done with your studies?'

Me: 'Yes, I am. I'm working now'

RARFE: 'Ohh where.... at a bank ??'

Me:  'No, no I work at a media buying house.'

RARFE:  *gasp* 

 

At this point the only word the auntie hears is 'media' , and subsequently goes on to envision everything negative that is associated with the word, especially here in Pakistan. She does not even think of it as press, or journalism, all that comes to her mind is this

Hanging out with drunk celebrities..you know, 'media people'

or this

Other bad stuff

[ For some God-knows-what-reason as well, most aunties also assume that the only respectable job a girl can have is at a bank. ugh.]

Me: ( Now totally recognizing the aunties expression, having seen it so many times): Yes, but it's not what you think....

RARFE: really?You know, the media industry here is not a place for respectable girls like you

Me: No, but see I work in advertising-

RARFE:  *Gaspppp*  ( At this point, I am a little worried that she might choke to death with all the gasping - and to tell you the truth, a little relived as well)

Me: No, but I deal with research- (  around this point I realize that it's no point in explaining and just end the conversation or let it dwindle off onto another topic.

Just to clarify, I love my work, but it does not involve the above at all, even though it is fun most of the time, at work I am like this:

thats me at work ( not really me, it's some random pic I Googled off the net)

and my computer screen looks like this

 

 

Ok- this is one thing. Another common thing which happens is this- with younger people usually, who have no qualms about the word 'media' but don't really know what media planning is

So what do you do?

I'm a media planner

What's that?

Well, the company I work for buys advertising space on televison and magazines and on websites and I place ads there according to the target audience.

Ohh you make advertisements!

No, I don't make them, I just make sure they get seen

Huh?

Look, you don't just randomly place ads on tv right? You want to make sure the right people are watching them right? Thats my job, to place ads at the right time on the right channel

But how do you know what people are watching?

Research.. simple!

But thats not possible
Yes it is, we subscribe to software to help us find out- ever heard of TV ratings?

Yeah, but thats only in America

No, it's here as well

How is that possible?

Well, this is the 21st century you know..see.. there is company who selects a sample of people to...

(Waving away my explanation)  Oh you just put ads naa, what's the big deal in that?

I give up.

Questions anyone?   :)

# 76 - Protest Day 6 , the long awaited weekend, and my learnings from this week of protesting

Ok. Today was the sixth day of my protest, and this is what I have learnt so far, if you start to ignore everyone:

1) Annoying People at work will get intimidated by you and give you more respect

2) Your friends will keep asking whats wrong and be so worried for you, you will need to pretend everything is ok

3) People who sometimes bug you ( just for the fun of it) will think you are mad at them and be unusually nice to you ( I got 2 chocolate cookies today and a subway sandwich for free!- ok that just sounds cheap)

4) The or two people whom you really care about, will be genuinely worried for you, even though you might  have confided in them have given them a hint that your protest week is going on

5) Your boss will be extra nice to you, even if they are nice already

6) People will think you are angry at them, and approach you with caution.

7) You feel a weird sense of calm

But I have also learnt that one cannot keep a protest on forever, it has to tone down and eventually end. Being a hermit never solves anything. But in due time and small doses.

Thank you for supporting me throughout my protest. There are still 4 more days to go 

( re-starting Monday) 

I hope  that during this weekend I will post somethings that are less... self absorbed, you know like on global warming or something That's my next step, to blog about more socially relevant topics.

# 75 - Protest Day 5

Ah well, It's still going on.

I think I am starting to intimidate people now. Even my Boss, ( who is usually real nice to me anyway) is being nicer than usual and not asking me to do too much work ( aaand I hope I don't jinx it now).


I hope I don't turn into a permanently grumpy person though, you know, the kind who have a scowl on their faces no matter what their mood is:

Yup, that's me. These days at least

Well, 5 semi-successful days, and a few more to go.


On another note, a dear friend dropped off a huge lot of movies at my place and he keeps asking me how I liked them. There were like 15 at least and till now I have only seen..... 1/3 of one.

I just don't feel like watching them nowadays. Ever since the TV in the outside lounge got repaired and I am saved from their -hogging-of-the-TV-to-watch-everything-except-that-what-I-want-to; I am catching up with the idiot box.

# 74 -Protest day 3

And so goes on the third day of my protest.  Good. People are starting to get used to it now, and have stopped asking me if I am suffering from some kind of disease, nor have they been bugging me as much.

I avoided the small talk as much as possible as well. Let's see what the rest of the week brings. If I feel that I can
just shut myself off from everyone for long enough, my demons of paranoia will go away.

On another note,

I lost 5 pounds! yaaaay. and now, I am at 99! Just 9 more to go and I'll be at my goal.

Before you freak out, I am not anorexic. I'm just a shade below 5 feet tall. So it looks okay if I weigh that much.

My old clothes have started to fit me again; this calls for a celebration:

We are the cause of our own undoing

# 73- Tomorrow is Monday and today is Sunday

Oh how I am dreading this Monday, this week has been a downward spiral, mentally,emotionally,professionally and a few other 'llys' as well.

And as usual its all my fault for not letting it be. You know what I do? I meddle too much with my own life, and then I regret it.

I say things and then I wish I did not, I do things and then I say oh crap.

Remember the 'protest week'? well I did it for 2 days at work and it helped!  so now, I am going to take it a step further and for the next..umm... 2 months I am going to expand my protest to outside work as well.

I shall have minimum interaction with anyone inside and outside of work until things get sorted out on their own, I will not speak to anyone  unless spoken to first, its not a matter of pride, its like one of those silence oaths those Indian/Buddhist Yogis take for self purification,  that is the only solution to water pollution. haha sorry, lame joke.

But seriously, from today, I am going to truly, leave it up to God. My work life was one step, and it showed improvement, my real life is the next!

This is one place I have that I can talk about my feelings out loud and I am so thankful for that.

Right now I need this to console me:

Drowning my Sorrows

# 72 - Protest Day 2

Ah the 2nd day of my protest and the weekend is already here. I suppose that happened since I started it in the middle of the week.

As of course, it had to happen that today was the day that so many people just wanted to talk to me,and be extra nice to be for God-knows-what reason. It did, admittedly make me feel a little smug about the whole thing. There I was busy working way, head phones blaring on loud, listening to angst-y teenage music ( Eminem) which was fueling my bad mood further, but did manage to speed up my work for some reason as well.

I was doing fine but then 

(voice behind me) [insert my name] !!! what are you doiiiing?

Me: Nothing, I'm working

voice: Why do you look so saaaad?

Me; I don't. I'm busy

voice: hey you have some movies I  could borrow?

Me: Not now!

Voice: i want to eat a big sandwhich from Dunkin Donuts!  ( this was a hint for me to accompany him)

At this point I gave the person such a dangerous look that he just thought the better of it and stopped the conversation. I felt a little bad though,he's one of my best friends at work, and also as mentioned before, one of the people I am least disliking right now, but what to do?

Sometime later ( from various  co-workers):

Hey! We are ordering Mcdonalds! want some?

Hey, here! have a cookie ( A packet of oreos comes flying from above and lands *SPLAT* on my laptop, breaking half  of them)

 Hey why arent you eating any food?

 Here! I got you a coffee sachet! 


Hey, you want some jellybeans?........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Hey, whats wrong why do you look like a zombie today?  ( yeah that happened too)


At which point  just decided to pack up and go home. Well, at least I got cookies,jellybeans and a free cup of gourmet coffee.

I plan to keep my protest on though, not against anyone, now it's more just for me.

# 71- When, if not now?

Nowadays all I want is to be free and feel like doing anything I want with no one to tell me what to do. 

I feel like staying out late, chilling with friends all the time, getting up late for work, wearing jeans everyday instead of only on 'casual friday' and not have to answer to anyone.

I want to go on an exotic vacation with 2 or 3 of my closet friends and not have to bother about the expenses it will incur. 

This would be nice

I feel like I'm acting out my teenager-ness at the age of twenty-si.....never mind. But seriously, when, if not now? I was more or less a goody-two shoes as a teenager, never did half the stuff teenagers get up to these days. But now I feel that since I have a job ( Thank God) and I manage my own expenses, and have finished my MBA ( with a very good GPA) and gotten out a relationship that had defined every goal I had for the past 7 years; I feel like just doing what I want all the bloody time.

 

It's not that I have no freedom at all, but if I go out more than twice week, I get grilled at home for it. ( For my foreign friends- where I come from,living at home with your parents in your twenties is as normal as moving out when you start college)

But I guess this feeling will pass, there is probably another underlying reason for it.What that is you might know.... if you would have read every blog post of mine since the beginning of time!

# 70- Protest Day 1

Captains log:

Stardate: 17022011 

1057 HRS

I hereby start my my week-long protest of not talking to anyone at work.

Not really working yet. 

I have already had pointless small talk with 3 people, the only worthwhile conversation with was my boss and my assistant and it was all work related anyway. About those 3 people, well, they are the ones I am least disliking right now so it was not that bad, but rules are rules and I am going to adhere to them.

The first picture which showed up when I Googled 'protest'

Ok, so as I mentioned in my last post, I am sick of everyone, and therefore need a break from unnecessary human interaction (cats are OK though)

So here it starts. Let's see how it goes. I am going to put on my head-phones now, all these people talking talking talking around me is so annoying. I love my work environment, but sometimes it's as noisy as a stock market amid a major crash.

                                   

   

Well, I better sign off now before someone peeks over my shoulder to see that I am not working, have a deadline to meet at 5.

I didn't even have breakfast. Just a few bites of an apple that began to smell really 'rusty'.. you know how that happens with apples? The whole iron thing they have going on.

This might improve my mood though:

I couldn't even find a decent picture online. bleh.

# 51 Writing for the sake of writing

I have not written anything in the past few days- been bogged down by the Eid holidays. Doing nothing is really very tiring. I seem to feel more relaxed and alert when I am busy. I was actually thinking of taking a few days off work to get some errands done, but I have come to realize that I would probably end up wasting my time. The only time I would really like to take a few days off work if I were going for a vacation somewhere- which should be due soon, I hope.A place like this would be nice:

How I would love to take a couple of weeks off and go to place like this! Just to relax on the beach and breathe the fresh air.Get away from it all and come back refreshed and renewed

Ok, back to reality;

So, since tomorrow is Monday and this long long five-day weekend comes to an end. I find myself actually, mildly looking forward to it. See how enthused I am. Work starts in five hours and I am already, actually, still awake typing away randomly.





I am not too worried about being late for work, I am sure I shall manage- for once I have packed my lunch (A brown bread sandwich with grilled chicken and Tabasco sauce), ironed my clothes, ( same old thing I have worn before- I need to go shopping). I do need to clean out my handbag though, it's over flowing with recipts and gum wrappers. I think I'll do that sometime later this morning.

# 41- Oh yeah.....work!

This blog, as I have mentioned countless times before was originally intended to be a diet blog which would follow my endeavors of weight loss and get me motivated to lose these annoying extra ten pounds that I have been carrying around ever since I started working.

Never really got around to that though, I just seem to write about every random thought that comes to my head. I am over all ok with it, but then sometimes I see the other blogs that people write. People who work in the advertising/media industry like I do and along with their "life" updates they post all these 'astute observations' about the current marketing/ ad scene in Pakistan,a long with their oh-so-insightful recommendations that would put Kolter to shame ( it was Kotler right?- been ages since I opened a textbook) ( TEXT book, I love reading books otherwise-just clarifying)

Anyway, not to be left behind, I thought that I should also share my  marketing wisdom with the world, but. but. but. writing about it is so TIRESOME- I don't want to make my blog look like a marketing class- no offense to 'The idea Artist' - which is one of the blogs I follow that one is good cause it is meant to deal with marketing, what does calories in half a teacup of whatever have to do with it?-  don't get me wrong, I love my job, being a media planner, although it being just a wee tip of the ice berg, is still very enriching job to have- learn something new everyday..... Ok done! I said something serious, grown up and marketing-ish, do I really HAVE to give my input now over 'Engro Rupya', or 'Mobile Hai Internet?'   

:P

A few Blogs which I find very read-worthy these days

The Nerd Archives    - cause Nerds are so cute!

The Jackky Bhagnani Obsession - awesome personal updates