# 100 - Someday I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday

I've lately been having dreams of escaping this place, of getting away. Not just for a vacation, but permanently shifting out of this place I am in. I am truly beginning to feel that professionally, academically, financially,and personally, there is nothing left for me here anymore. 

I need to make a move. I need to be out of this place, out of this country, and leave everything behind. It is not about wanting to 'run away', it is about 'moving on' with life. Sort of like having a start to a 5-year plan. InshAllah.

I feel uneasy, like the calm before a storm, and I need to remain collected and get out before it is too late. I need to start and act immediately, and I cannot let anyone get in my way. Everything is just going to go downhill from here, and I don't want to be around when it crashes.

#77-

Do you ever feel un-thankfully dissatisfied with your life?.

When inspite of having so many wonderful things ( a roof over your head, food to eat, friends who care about you, a job that pays well) you feel anger, frustration, and sadness over the most trivial of things? When nothing makes you happy, and what you want, or what you think will make you happy is not really that important at all.

Does that make me a bad person?

# 74 - Protest Day 4

Todays protest was a FAIL!

Maybe because I got over with a huge project and was relived, I spoke again grrrr, and now I am paranoid that I must have said some stuff that was stupid/should not have, even if I didn't.


I think I am losing my mind




I am extending me protest to 10 days!

# 74 -Protest day 3

And so goes on the third day of my protest.  Good. People are starting to get used to it now, and have stopped asking me if I am suffering from some kind of disease, nor have they been bugging me as much.

I avoided the small talk as much as possible as well. Let's see what the rest of the week brings. If I feel that I can
just shut myself off from everyone for long enough, my demons of paranoia will go away.

On another note,

I lost 5 pounds! yaaaay. and now, I am at 99! Just 9 more to go and I'll be at my goal.

Before you freak out, I am not anorexic. I'm just a shade below 5 feet tall. So it looks okay if I weigh that much.

My old clothes have started to fit me again; this calls for a celebration:

We are the cause of our own undoing

# 49- I 'think' i'm paranoid

Hence the thinking that I am or might be, paranoid might be a part of the paranoia itself-

I have been told that I tend to 'over think' and derive conclusions where they might not even remotely exist, and in the process drive myself absolutely insane. I try not to do this- but I always end up doing it- the over flowing waves of thoughts travel in waves from the impossibly positive( which is not technically paranoid since its connotation is negative) to the absurdly negative and my mood rides the wave with it. I need to find balance! 

Sometimes I over think to the point that it starts to effect my interactions with other people. I will be fine with them one day and then I'll get a about of thoughts from what could be ( or maybe could not be?) the most insignificant action of theirs and create a tornado of thoughts where there might be just a small puff of breeze.

I suppose I sometimes do this because there have been times that I have bypassed things as being insignificant and then have them get out of control and knock me off when I least expect it. Hence I think it's better- (provided you don't drive yourself insane) to be paranoid.

Ok since I have also made it a point not to just whine whine whine all the time, I am going to talk about something else. I started exercise again ( finally) here is to a thinner 2011.

# 39 - Time Warp

Wow now just see this- I an unable to write for weeks and suddenly now I am going on a written rampage. Two posts in the same day!  ( Yes, that is mildly sarcastic)  Looks my muse is in commune with me once again.

Anyway, I was just pondering, about random stuff like I usually do and I have realized that apart from when I have a deadline due at work, (bah!) time has slowed down SO much lately!. Each minute takes at least three times the amount of time to pass. I want things to move ahead already, I want to know what happens next, and even though there are certain things that I must do in order to make those things happen, I want that do be DONE and see what's up ahead. I have never felt so impatient ever.

I hope it comes along soon, or else God give me patience.

# 26 - Bad Mood

Life can be so unfathomable sometimes. Sometimes I just don’t understand why things have to be the way they are. It’s horrible, wonderful, beautiful, ugly, cruel and kind all at the same time. A mélange of contradicting feelings, emotions and experiences .I experience all of it. At once. It’s sometimes too much to take. It over whelms to the point that it becomes hard to breathe. I feel fascinated & repulsed. I am thankful and yet I resent. I feel strong and still broken into a million fragile pieces .I do not know if I am strong or weak .I guess I am both. The overall feeling has me weakened to the point of no return, yet I manage to hold on, to smile, to laugh out loud, to love and to pray.

Have I actually managed to do away with the bad and keep the good? Or I have just become so used to the bad being a part of life that I just live with it. Ignoring it for the most part.

# 24 - The Matrix

Do you ever get the feeling you are being watched? That your every move is monitored and judged. Every email and text message (gasp!) known to the world. That everyone you ever trust with something that could ruin you is actually telling that to everyone?

No, I am not some paranoid freak (Although I am some of the time) but sometimes I feel that you cannot trust anyone. That we are all being observed, every movement, every slip up noted down and noticed. (Yes, I know God is watching, but that’s the positive side to it) I’m taking about a dark, negative man-made force. One that you always need to be wary of, the one that’s just waiting to screw you over.

It’s a scary thought, one that I don’t like pondering on much but sometimes it’s there. Its makes me want to stop talking to people, to weigh every word I say. Because once you say it out loud, or press the send button on that text, it’s gone, its out there man, and you cannot get it back no matter what you do. How many times has one said something or sent a text and then instantly regretted it? Ah, I see many hands up in the air, yes my friends; it’s a sad dilemma of human nature. We cannot shut ourselves in and if we dare to put our selves out there then we should least anticipate the (potential) consequences.

By the way, I just realized I am totally contradicting myself , I have a blog for Godsakes and I’m putting mind out  for the whole world to read! That is a scary thought, yes. But I guess no one is perfect, I am going to take the (not-so-calculated) risk. Hey, at least I’ll be popular ( Oh Gawd, how shallow was that?)  :S