# 110 - Ever try that?

Have you ever tried to do something that you haven't tried before? Did it ever work? 

For example have you ever tried just kicking a habit that you had been stuck with for a long time? Not just tapering it off but just changing like *snap* cold turkey?

Like one day you just stop having caffeine, or start going to the gym, or stop watching that Godawful indian drama series that your mom insists on watching everyday, or sometimes just stop interacting with those people who have become bad habits?

There are a few people I know who have become bad habits for me, and I need to stop talking to them. Trouble is, sometimes I don't know what to think.

# 100 - Someday I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday

I've lately been having dreams of escaping this place, of getting away. Not just for a vacation, but permanently shifting out of this place I am in. I am truly beginning to feel that professionally, academically, financially,and personally, there is nothing left for me here anymore. 

I need to make a move. I need to be out of this place, out of this country, and leave everything behind. It is not about wanting to 'run away', it is about 'moving on' with life. Sort of like having a start to a 5-year plan. InshAllah.

I feel uneasy, like the calm before a storm, and I need to remain collected and get out before it is too late. I need to start and act immediately, and I cannot let anyone get in my way. Everything is just going to go downhill from here, and I don't want to be around when it crashes.

# 98 - You think I'm weak, I think you're wrong.

Is it not just the most annoying feeling in the world when people underestimate you? It can be in the field of work, or study, or usually, and more commonly you will find, that people think that you are 'weak', or not emotionally strong enough to bear/undertake/withstand this, this or that.

It angers me to no end. I am not afraid to ask for help if I need it, I know that we all need to sometimes, but if there is anything that I hate is being pitied or taken for granted. There are two aspects to this:

1- Pity : Oh dear, look at her, such a lovely girl, pretty, from a good family, well-educated and earns a decent income,  why o why can't she find a good guy? POOR THING, LETS ALL PRAY THAT SHE GETS MARRIED REAL SOON BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY SHE MUST BE DESPERATE TO GET MARRIED -IT'S NOT THAT SHE HAS A LIFE OF HER OWN, AFTER ALL, ISN'T THAT JUST THE ENITRE POINT OF ONE'S LIFE?? 

.... I mean excuse me? 

What the f*** is it to you if I am in my mid twenties and not married yet? Am I living on your money? Do I look like I am desperate all the time?. Of course I want to settle down some day, and soon, but why can't everyone just leave that up to me, it is my life is it not?

2-Being taken for granted : This is my favourite one. It has happened with me at least once, or maybe twice, in my life, that I have been severely taken for granted. Just because I have been over accommodating it has been assumed that I will never really take that step and say 'STOP' or that I will always be there to take crap when it is presented. I won't. I have only done so far, because I cared, and I still care, but all my caring just stops a tiny weeny bit short of a little something I'd like to say is called 'self respect'.

 Learnt it the hard way, and I am still learning. Baby steps I guess :)

I feel much better now that I have vented. Let me share a picture of myself with you all. I normally would not- not really my 'blog-policy', but eh, what the hell, just this once.

I'm beautiful in my way, cause God makes no mistakes :)

# 96 - God Bless the broken road

The above line was taken from a song sent to me by a colleague of mine. I have simply fallen in love with it. 

Many times in life, bad things happen to us, and when they do, it seems like our whole world is falling apart. Everything we dreamed of shattered to pieces, sometimes the wounds don't heal, but sometimes,( and more often than not) these shattered dreams pave the way for something bigger and better that we had not even imagined.Some times we just need to have a little faith;

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

Faith in ourselves,but more importantly faith in God. Do your part as much as you can, but if things fail, don't give up,if your plans falter, don't lose faith- it just means that God has a better plan for you that you are not aware of. Islam tells us 'The Best of Planners is God' - 

Of course with us being human, it is easier said that done- we just love to complain :)

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Sometimes I feel that we do need to experience the 'bad' in our lives so that we can truly appreciate the good when it finally comes along.

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way,into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

# 94 - 'It' doesnt matter because you don't matter.

You don't. Not in the long run at least. As per one random facebook status update I read : 'How much do you invest in something that is doomed to failure?'

Yes, it is doomed to failure indeed. You are a stranger, actually. I barely know you, I didn't even know that you existed until just a little while ago, and if it is doomed to failure, then I don't want to know you in any context.

I think that's for the best.

# 93 - Responsible Blogging (Not)

Nowadays with everything that is currently happening in my dear country, I feel like it is my moral responsibility to blog about it and put in my two cents worth.

But I am not going to.

Don't we hear enough of it on the news?  :p

I'd rather just blog about myself/share an amusing anecdote or just ponder out loud about how life sucks/is so wonderful/whatever else I might be feeling at the moment. 

Isn't that what blogs are for? ; That you can share anything, say anything and have friends, (aka fellow bloggers) read and understand. 

One never has to be 'be careful' of what they say, have a fear of appearing too aggressive, too needy, too confused. It does not matter how old you are, what faith you follow, or how much money you have,the blog-world understands and accepts all.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the real world could be like this too?

# 92 - I wish I was more like you,and you, and er... you too.

I have realized that I really do not give myself enough credit. I am too good and I deserve better than what I have been given. I do not blame God for it, I only blame myself.
I accepted what came my way, even though I had the power to say 'screw it' make something better for myself.

This picture seemed relevant....somehow

 

If you notice a lot of my blog posts are about this. I sometimes feel like I have self-esteem issues,major ones. I have been struggling to get past them, it's not like I have not made
progress,but it is so hard, so difficult sometimes.How much longer will I take before I can say 'I just don't give a damn" and really,really mean it?

I want to not care or be bothered by a lot of things. Have you ever noticed that it's usually the most cold-hearted people, the ones who don't seem to give a crap are the ones who seem to be the most loved and admired? What a sick irony of life. I don't want to become one of them, but sometimes I feel that in order to survive, I will have to.

It's disgusting,really.

# 82- Don't run toward, Don't run away. Just stand there

Since I am having another sleepness night, I have decided that I might as well use this time to write a blog post quickly before my laptop battery runs down ( It's currently at 41%).

I have realized something while I was trying to fall asleep for the past 2 hours but not managing to. Quite a few leanings I am getting this month from practicing various things. 

As per my previous posts, I learnt that SILENCE is the best policy when it comes to problems ( which have no solution) that you keep thinking about over and over again. So I stopped talking about my problems to people - well maybe except here on this blog- because it's my 'happy place'- anyway, so I stopped talking about my problems to people, I tried to be more quiet than I usually am, and it helped! I had a sense of calm and it worked for me.

Now my next step, ( what I mean to talk about right now when I say that I have come to a realization). The realization is that:

For a great part of my life  now I have always been running away or running toward something or the other.

Running toward love, running away from love, running away from confrontation, running toward trying to fix problems that don't concern me, running away from people at the right time and running toward those same people at the wrong time.

I mean enough. I have had enough of running 'away' and 'towards'. I am going to try and stop now. I am not going to run away, but I am not going to run toward either. No matter what the issue is. I am just going to stand there and watch me burn.... ok no kidding, haha, I just like that song.

Ok back to the serious topic. New learning for me:

STOP running away  STOP running towards.Just stand where I am and have faith in God.

Hope this helps, I am going to start implementing it from this morning, which should start in about.... 7 hours.

31 battery remaining.

I wonder if there is enough time for me to read a new random Listverse articles before I try to force myself to sleep, or do the self destructive thing and put the laptop on charge so I can keep loitering about here till 5 am.

# 81 - Sleepless in Karachi

The title of the blog post pretty much sums it all up:

It's 2 AM, I have work tomrrow, not only that, I have a bloody deadline tomorrow (that I should be working on but I am not) and instead I am online, and I cannot, just cannot sleep.

This the time of night where one crosses their 'sleep threshold' and then you are just awake till dawn. At this moment I don't even know if I want this to happen to me or not. It's confusing.

I could always watch TV, but I don't feel like it, I ought to work, but I just can't wrap my head around it right now, I should just sleep so I can wake up extra early and start the work early. 

On another note:

I've had a blast from the past recently, haha get it 'recently?' eh no? um, nevermind. yeah anyway, something that I had thought was long-forgotten, something that I would have liked to think was far, far behind me  has cropped up again. Is it good? Is it bad? I don't know, time will tell. or rather, there is no time it's running out as rapidly as my sleepiness is at the moment, the time-traveler who has made an attempt to step back into my life will tell.

Am I ready to sit back into the time machine?

Maybe.

# 57- I'm not that girl

I got a recommendation to read 'The Wizard of Oz' from a dear friend today, she said it was a pre-requisite for this book called 'Wicked' which is a prequel or something to the original book, and it's supposed to be really good.

I don't believe it, I had seen the movie so many times as a kid, but I never read the book, now that I am reading it, it's actually quite nice. The kind that is a obviously meant for kids, but that the adult who likes to read books would also enjoy. I am really zooming through it cause I can't wait to read Wicked. It's been made into a musical as well, and has a really nice song (which is the title of my blog post today).

I love reading old books, especially like  these. Books which are good make my heart glow with happiness when I read them, and many of you will think that I am being very over dramatic here, but some of you may understand.

On another note, the year is finally drawing to a close, and oh.my.God. What a year it has been.

Hands touch, eyes meet,
sudden silence, sudden heat
hearts leap in a giddy world.
He could be that boy,
but I'm not that girl 

An illustration of my life this year

I feel like I have grown as a person so much this year. It has been one major emotional and mental roller coaster ride, which is not exactly over but still, I think over the past 361 ( about 4 days left) I have somewhat learned to ride the roller coaster without shutting my eyes in fear. I feel a wee more confident that I can take on the next dip that comes along ( which would be the 'x' marked on the graph right here.

Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are,
don't remember that rush of joy.
He could be that boy,
I'm not that girl 

 I really am not the girl that I was before.I wouldn't say I'm better or worse, just different. I do at times miss the way things used to be, cause I was used  to them being that way, now suddenly everything is different.

( Notice I tend to write a lot without giving too much away, I don't think I need to, I guess by being vague people might be able to relate more to what I write, as they can adapt my words to their own frame of mind)

Every so often we long to steal,
to the land of what might have been,
but that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in

# 55 - The heart always wants what the mind resisits.....

Why must it always be so?

Why does ones heart always go in that exact direction where your mind puts a great big STOP sign. The bigger the STOP sign, the brighter the flashing lights warning you to turn back the more forcefully ones heart stomps away in that very direction.

It can be anything from a matter of the heart ( haha a made a pun! WIN!) to a matter of avoiding that leftover chocolate bar in the fridge, to putting the snooze on the alarm for just five more minutes even though you know it going to make you late for work, when you have already used up all the lates for the month.

So why do we do this? Why are we always irresistibly attracted to that which we know is totally wrong for us? Why in the battle of the heart and mind, the heart almost always tends to win, and if the mind does manage to get the occasional victory, it leaves it usually too exhausted to reap the befits of the win.)

( notice I am careful in my wording, I use the words 'almost always' and 'occasional' and 'usually' - so don't blame me for generalizing)

Anyway my diagnosis of the situation is that we as humans tend to be inherently  self-destructive. Yes, that is the crux of it that is what we are. We live to destroy ourselves, mentally,physically and emotionally, and those who don't well.... I'd say they are a little selfish don't you think?

As a famous writer ( I forget the name) said -  "There is a pleasure in being mad, that none but mad men know"  

This may seem out of context, but it makes sense to me.

# 52 - Indifference is bliss, or is it?

Ever feel like you are forgetting things that you aren't really supposed to forget?

I'm not talking about Alzheimers, :p I mean if one is starting to feel indifferent about things that ought to matter but suddenly... they don't. It's not even about becoming uncaring with with a don't-give-a-damn attitude, it's more like the things which loomed over ones head for ages,things which you obsessed over to no end start to eventually fade.

It is supposed to be a good thing I suppose, but one gets so used to worrying that when the worry is not there it feels... weird! Like I am feeling now. I know a certain thing in my life is supposed  to bother me, that would be the normal thing to do, but recently...it's not.Am I supposed to be relieved? I don't really know!

They say time fixes a lot of things, I believe that too, but you would think that 'time' would also take some 'time' and move in an orderly manner- and not suddenly fast forward your feelings,thoughts and emotions to what you think they ought to be six months from now! It's not supposed to be so fast, that means it's gonna come back and smack you in the face- it's like being on a cabbage soup diet- you lose weight for a week and then it comes back on-with GAS!

How can one know for sure!

That's another thing I hate- not knowing! Yes, life in it's very nature is uncertain for all of us, but at least if one knows what they want they can focus toward it, if they don't get it, they can say 'chalo koi baat nahin Allah malik hai'  ( Does not matter, God will look out for you).

So to summarize, sometimes it sucks when you don't get what you want, but what happens when you don't know what you want?  Yikes!

# 49- I 'think' i'm paranoid

Hence the thinking that I am or might be, paranoid might be a part of the paranoia itself-

I have been told that I tend to 'over think' and derive conclusions where they might not even remotely exist, and in the process drive myself absolutely insane. I try not to do this- but I always end up doing it- the over flowing waves of thoughts travel in waves from the impossibly positive( which is not technically paranoid since its connotation is negative) to the absurdly negative and my mood rides the wave with it. I need to find balance! 

Sometimes I over think to the point that it starts to effect my interactions with other people. I will be fine with them one day and then I'll get a about of thoughts from what could be ( or maybe could not be?) the most insignificant action of theirs and create a tornado of thoughts where there might be just a small puff of breeze.

I suppose I sometimes do this because there have been times that I have bypassed things as being insignificant and then have them get out of control and knock me off when I least expect it. Hence I think it's better- (provided you don't drive yourself insane) to be paranoid.

Ok since I have also made it a point not to just whine whine whine all the time, I am going to talk about something else. I started exercise again ( finally) here is to a thinner 2011.