# 91- 'Shadi Mubarak' to Kate and William and how facebook went crazy on it.

Quick translation for those who don't speak Urdu;

Shadi Mubarak = Congrats on your wedding

So today was the royal wedding, no one at work was working until 3:30 pm,which was after the vows had been taken,and as expected, everyone on facebook had their own opinion of what was going on. Some of my friends were lucky enough to be in London while the whole thing was going down, and er...boasted accordingly on their status updates.....like this:

Oh my God...FLYING Balloons!!....whats next?...cellphone that makes CALLS?!! *GASP!*

Apparently the fact that the balloons were...er..flying was the big punch line here. Truly,truly amazing. I would never have expected that.


Then there are some people who were so inspired, they thought that they were royalty and wanted the other sister,not realizing that, er.... William was the prince, not the other way around.

And some who were inspired in other ways as well.

Some were actually funny.

haha- I mean it.

LOL

This one was by FAR my favorite:

and it's original

And some who were just being plain smart-asses copying from joke websites:

Thank you Sickiepedia.com

 Some boasted their knowledge of designers.

and some...... well. you decide for yourself :)

I am so going to hell for this.

Please forgive me God.

# 85 The family wedding and my family and other animals- Part II

OK, I am finally continuing this post , when I left off we were off to the event in an entourage of cars, me with my parents and the cougars maid, while she was off gallivanting with an unwilling guy, one-third her age.

So we were going in the car, all cars moving in file, being careful not lose sight of the cars in front. ( For some reason, even though the venue was at a really well-known place, no one seemed to know where it ACTUALLY was).And of course, as expected, we kept losing sight of cars on the way and kept having to stop at random sides of roads waiting for the others to catch up. It always, always, ended up being on some lonely wayside where I would have to keep looking around in fear of  the next 'mobile snatcher' who would turn up and take my precious ( and recently purchased) blackberry away from me.  :O. So I put it on silent and hid it under the seat in front, (which was a little stupid cause  it kept vibrating with  notifications as I was incessantly texting Furree Katt, and my other cousins with updates as to what was going on. ( I was very bored).


Ok, so we finally reached the venue ( which was actually some navy museum) and it turns out that out of the 7,893 cars that had come along together, only THREE were going to be allowed inside. So we all had to park faaaaar away from the actual gate and then walk all the way inside. Even from inside the gate, we had to cross a small park, an effin DRAW BRIDGE ( yes, it was an actual draw bridge, wobbly and all, with ravines below!! - well, maybe not ravines, more like 3 feet of water, but still, it was pretty dramatic) and then another mud laden path before we got the actual marquee.

Everyone was complaining about the long walk, and was also wondering that how would the bride with her over-the-top heavy clothes and make up that Pakistani brides tend to have.Anyway, we started the walk FINALLY after standing in a group for 10 minutes, discussing how long and annoying the walk was going to be. My mum ( who hates exercise) was I think most annoyed by the prospect of having to walk the quarter-kilometer or so went like this:

Me: Okay, come on mum, lets go
Mum: (after taking three steps) Uff! What a long walk!


At long last, after ruining my precious three-inch golden heels in the mud, we entered the marquee, and everyone ran to get to the table which was nearest to the food arrangement/pedestal fans/opening in the tent so that we could get some fresh air.


Finally all seated, I went back to my observing of the events and people around me, once more making notes for my blog for all you precious readers to read.

[ Ok, I am getting a little tired now and am tempted to break this point into yet another part and make in into a complete wedding 'trilogy' but I don't know if is going to be such a good idea or not,it's actually lunch time at work and the India-Australia match is going on, whoever wins will play us in the semi-finals and no one is sure who we rather be up against. Long story short, everyone is watching the match in the employee lounge, no one is working, and I am getting distracted from this blog post for the moment]

# 84- The family wedding and my family and other animals- Part I

Confusing title, I know, but anyway I thought I'd share some random funny things that happened a relatives wedding I attended a few days ago. As we all know every wedding has their own funny stories, every family has their 'from Mars' relative, but somehow I feel that we Pakistanis really take the (wedding) cake.

The wedding was of my first cousins son, who is actually my nephew, but is actually older than me cause his grandma, who is my dads sister is at least fifteen years older than him, hence my cousin is older and me and so is her son. Confused? So am I, and that is what my extended family is like.

Anyway, so since we were from the 'boys' side of the family and hence the 'baaraat' or 'wedding party' as you could call we we all had to first assemble at the boys house and then leave together in an entourage of cars to the wedding venue where the girls family would be, waiting for our 'istakbaal'  ( welcome).

So my aunt, ( the boys grandmother) tells my dad, ' we have to assemble really early, be at my house at a quarter to eight!! SHARP!"... My dad is like 'oh sure sure OK'. This I found out when I came home from work at 6:30 pm. My Dad was like

Dad: Somkey!!! ( thats's not my real name,duh, but anyway) Smokey. hurry up and get ready we have to leave in an hour!

Me: What? What? Where why? I thought we were going to the wedding?!

Dad: We ARE going to the wedding now hurry up!

Me: Dad?.....It's 6:30, what kind of wedding in Pakistan starts at 7:30?

Dad: It's not starting at 7:30, we need to be at your aunts place by 7:45 and then leave at 8 for the wedding venue

Me: Dad, please, for heavens sake, what wedding on earth starts at 8? Please, let's not leave before 10

Dad: Beta, are you crazy? No no no. 7:45 MAX we leave now hurry hurry hurry hurry.

At this point my dad just kept on saying 'Hurry Hurry Hurry Hurry', until I was like 'okay

Okay okaaaay’

Anyway, so I got ready, and tried to delay our leaving as much as possible and still did not manage to postpone the eventual till 7:55 when we stormed out the door with my dad grumbling about how late we have already gotten and how he was sure that everyone must be impatiently waiting for us. *eyeroll*

So we get there at like, 8:15 and the whole place is silent, quiet. Not a sound in sight ( haha not exactly sound in sight, but you get the picture.

Mom: What? Have they left without us?

Me: No,way. Haha I bet they are still in their pajamas

Dad: No, beta please, it’s already so late…let’s go see.

Aaaand when the front door opened we were greeted by the grooms bro…in his pajamas

Dad: Son, you’re not ready yet?

Grooms Bro: No, Uncle, I’m just getting ready, It’s only 8

Dad: Your grandma told me to be here at 7:30!

Grooms Brother: Hehhe, Uncle, come on, you know everyone here operates 2 hours late when weddings are concerned.

Here let me pause in my story to tell me you the mechanics of  a Pakistani wedding,

Everything goes by PWST (Paki Wedding Standard Time) which means GMT+5+ 2( added for the wedding schedule) If someone expects you to come at 10, they will say be there at 8, if you want your guests to arrive at 9, you need to say 7. Don’t make the mistake of saying 9, or else, you’ll have people start coming in at 11, which ruin the plans for you.

Ok, anyway, so now we are there, sitting around, getting bored as hell, looking at everyone running around in a flurry to get ready.  It gave  me a lot of time for observation though. I made lots on notes on my phone which helped me get a lot of material for this post.

One of the first things I noticed was thing ‘cougar aunite’ who was sitting in a corner with a sly smile of her face. She, I later found out, was the grooms mothers BFF from another city who was visiting. She promptly went up and started chatting up…. *Gasp* My dad. Hahaha It was so funny, she just randomly went up to him  and started telling me about how the lady at the parlour messed up her hair and make up and how she was really disappointed and how it’s so hard to find someone to do good makeup for you.

At which point her eyes landed on me

Cougar Auntie: ( pointing at me) See! I want make up like HER, and look what that cow did with me

Me: eerr. heh heh… thank you?

Cougar: Yes yes your eye makeup is very nice

Me: ( now feeling a little proud) Thanks!....I did it MYSELF”

Cougar: Oh wow, that’s good, now I want you to come over and do my make up for me for the next wedding event. ( which was 2 days later)

I said there, frozen, blinking, thinking that no, she did just not ask me that, me go over to her house and do her make up? ….I didn’t even know her name!! Talk about creepy

Me: Er… um oh I’d love to but, I-I-I can only do make up for myself, I really can’t do it for someone else, it’s some hand coordination problem that I have…( which is funnily, the truth, I cannot even put eyeliner for someone else without messing it up, but I can manage fine when I do my own makeup- I do not know why this happens)

Anyway, so I got out of that mess.

At this point it was 8:15, and everyone was still rushing around, someone could not find their shoes, someone else could not find the camera, etc etc the usual commotion that takes place in a wedding place, and we were shifted to the drawing room where a bunch of other unwitting relatives, like us, had made the mistake of arriving early.

So, everyone is sitting around making extremely boring small talk and I was furiously typing away notes on my phone in the form of texting Furree Kattt a over-by over commentary on whatever was going on.

 I was typing away on my phone when this little kid ( The grooms 8 year old cousin) comes up to me and starts to inquire what I am doing:

Kid: What are you going? What is that? What are you typing?

Me: I’m writing messages on my phone…

Kid: Why? Why are you doing that? Who are you typing to? Show me show me!!!

Me: No, It’s er….for WORK! I can’t show you

Kid: (making a grumpy face) Everyone always tells me that whenever I want to see what they are typing ( angrily stomps away….thank God).

So at this point it was 8:30 and there was no sign of anyone from the grooms immediate family being ready to leave, even the groom himself was MIA. Turns out he had been at a photo shoot for the past 10 hours or something.

Well finally at 9:45 everyone got ready and bumbled out of the house to sit in their respective cars. ( I kept giving my dad ‘I told you so’ looks, but he just ignored me, haha). We were just getting into our cars I had just sat down when suddenly I turned around and got the shock of my life, the ‘cougar auntie’ was standing near the car door trying to forcibly open it! I was like

Me: Errr… jee?

Cougar: Open the door!

Me: ( I got worried at what was so urgent, but keeping caution, I just rolled down the window instead)

Cougar: Do you have room in yout car for one more person?

Me: (thinking, oh God, she wants to sit with us, well… at least she the ride to the venue will have some entertainment) Oh sure, of course.

Cougar: Great! ( after which she promptly runs off to the car parked in front)

Here I was thinking that this hag has definitely gone mad when she was back dragging a maid by her arm and shoved her into my car next to me

Cougar: oh we have no place in that car, can she sit with you?

Me: oh, sure.

Cougar: Great! ( and then runs off back to her car)

Anyway, so we were all going to the venue, one car following another when I passed by cougar's car and it turns out…. There was PLENTY of place in her car! In fact, she was sitting all alone with the grooms younger brother ( who is about my age)

The poor guy was looking VERY uncomfortable and the cougar was all smiley in a satisfied Cheshire-Cat kind of way….

 

Wow, this is turning out to be one long post, as not to bore you all. I think I’ll split it into two parts and share the details of the rest of the events in a subsequent post.

# 60- oh dammit! FBL - (facebook life)

Happy New Year all!

Welcome to my very first blog post of 2011. Ok, so getting to the point. I'm sure all of you internet buffs know about FML ( f*** my life) and MLIA ( My life is average), websites where people come and post their life's most messed up,embarrassing, or just plain average moments.But I think none of them can compare to the amount of 'facebook induced' incidents which plague our lives everyday. 

 There is no escape. There is no hiding from it.And there is no privacy.

It is so funny how some people are so, well, I won't use a word as strong as 'obsessed' but well, you could say they take face book so seriously that one would think that it's a matter of life and death.

Every post, every ‘like’, every comment is scrutinized for seem deep hidden meaning that is always aimed directly at YOU.

‘oh my God, did you see that? I changed my display picture and everyone commented on it except for her, she is so totally jealous of me, I don’t believe it- HOW RUDE”. – and they will go on and on about how jealous the individual is – the fact that the person in question might have not even logged on to facebook in three weeks cause they actually have a life will not cross their minds!

I have a rule that I like to stick by, usually. That is –

Whatever happens on facebook, stays on facebook. The end. It is not be considered a part of real life nor is to be taken as seriously.

 Someone made a catty remark on your ‘oh so serious’ and philosophical status.- It does not mean they are out to get you, nor do that fights that seem to ensure on a controversial status update or post

‘He was rude to me on facebook, therefore I will not talk to him properly in person’ 

‘Really? What happened?

He thinks that my Farmville posts are annoying he wrote that on my wall- IMAGINE

Oh my God! That’s horrible! – BLOCK HIM

I do understand that sometimes people tend to mean things on facebook- uploading unflattering pics of the ones you want to embarrass, etc, but that is, I have observed. minimal in comparison to the all mountains out of molehills that people make.

They expect to be able to view everything on each of their friends profile, and you find out that you cannot see someones photos. You assume/deduce that you have been put on that much feared list- the limited profile

OMG I can’t see her photos, when the rest of my friends can. Whatabitch! – BLOCK HER!

This one is my favorite though and really takes the cake-where Facebook is the sweetest form of revenge ‘She was SO rude to me at the party the other day, what does she think of her self? I need to get back to her somehow I know!…. I WILL PUT HER ON LIMITED PROFILE.’ Yeah- like that is worst thing one could do to someone… heh.  

And so on.

The above post was inspired by hours of stirring conversation regarding FBL with my dear friend Furree Katt who owns the awesome blog The Jackky Bhagnani Obsession.

# 50- Eid, long weekends and loving goats

Eid Holidays and a five day weekend! A rare occurrence but nevertheless a welcome one. It's been a long time since I have had a long holiday like this- it's good, although just a little bit boring. Most of this Eid is spent in... you know how it is, I don't need to describe it.

Anyway, since almost everyone has their own funny goat-related stories to tell, I am going to tell mine; we had two goats which we kept at an aunts house, since they have a nice garden with lots of space for them to roam about. Really cute they were milling around seemingly oblivious to their impending doom- or were they? I don't really think so; cause my cousin saw them two days ago going full 'brokeback mountain' on each other if you know what I mean- yes they were both MALE. I think they were just trying to make the most of their last days. I am not going to judge- it's a free world. I was thinking that it would be funny if they were mountain goats, cause then I could call them 'Brokeback Mountain-Goats' :D

Well, that was yesterday, and this is today. The goats are gone and I am going console myself on their loss with a nice plate of lamb chops  * evil smile*

This is not really a picture of one of the goats, I just googled it and put this one on, I forgot to take any pictures of them

# 45 Sunday 'Bizarre'.....

Finally Finally after ages there was something fun to do on a Sunday. i.e Sunday Bazaar shopping! I finally convinced my dad to take me along with a couple of my cousins. We left at about 12 pm and after hours of walking around in the heat, the sand and sun we back home covered head to toe in dust with our 'spoils of war' and it was totally worth it.

I love shopping at Sunday Bazaar, there is nothing that one cannot find there- from fake Gucci bags ( which look quite real) to Chinese rabbits to exotic vegetables which would even put the imported vegetables at Ebco/Aghas to shame. Do you know you get fresh broccoli there? At one-sixteenth the price and three times and fresh that would get at any fancy grocery store here. A real bargain if you are trying your best to eat healthy like me and are force- feeding yourself broccoli so I can feel cool that I am eating American Type vegetables. :p ( that was a joke- I swear! Down with America!- ok that was a joke too- please don’t shut down my blog Mr. Google :s)

Ok enough with the digressing;

Of course my favorite thing to get from there is BOOKS, books and more books. It is a book lover’s paradise! ( I know there are other places in Karachi where you get even cheaper books with a wider variety, but that’s too far away :P) Every time I go there I buy a truckload and I never get to finish reading them even until my next trip when I go buy even more books and so my book-unread book pile is growing more than ever.

Anyway back to Sunday Bazaar- one gets to observe so many interesting things there- I went to the bag section to see if there was anything good I could find – and I saw this woman at one of the stalls looking at wallets from all brands around the world. She picked up this little brown one which had .C.H.A.Y.N.AL printed in bright gold on its front, and her convo with the shop keeper went something like this:

Woman: Yeh wallets imported hain?

Shopkeeper: haan baji, imported!

Woman: (Picking up the C.H.AY.NA.L wallet) ‘Kya yeh original Chanel hai?”

Shopkeeper: Haan Baji. 100% original! From Paris!

I stood there watching in amusement and shock, I had at least expected him to say “First Copy hai”, and I almost went up to that female to tell her she was being made what was the first four letters of the “original brand”  but then I was like forget it- The shopkeeper has to earn. and the poor lady will at least have the happy feeling that she has an original Chanel- it’s better than no Chanel at all! Right?! So I decided to step back and let things take their natural course: P

Now feeling very satisfied with my good deed done for the day, I moved on to the next stall which was selling some rather good stuff for everyday wear at a great price, it even had a very creative poster which would one at least come and take a peek to see what was being sold- what are these 50 ROPES?? :D

Till the next Sunday Bazaar update then-

# 42- groceries and more

I heart grocery shopping, and I love grocery stores, especially the bright,shiny air-conditioned ones with wide aisles, and all the colorful things they have so nicely arranged on the shelves. * sigh!* For some reason, they make me happy, lighten my heart and make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Grocery shopping is like a fun outing for me, as lame as it might seem to most of you. I take the biggest trolley I can find and zoom around the isles, looking at things, comparing prices, reading nutrtiional info, checking and rechecking my shopping list to see if anything else is needed. My favorite is course, the food section - no surprises there. I have a million recipes in my head and try see what all I can experiment with.

There are somethings which I hate in these self- service grocery stores, one of which are those damned BTL marketing people who stand there/follow you around with convincing to you buy/try something which you obviously don't have time for. It happened with me one time that I was happily going through the cereals section (hmmm Blueberry Special K or chocolate wheatabix?.. decisions  decisions..) Anyway my very important thought process was interpreted by this female in the wildly maroon coloured clothes and  bad make up:

 Her:'Hellooo Maaam, how are you?"

Me: "Err... I'm fine, I guess"

Her: "Great, I wanted to tell you, that did you know that hair loss is the number # 1 hair problem for women today"

Me: ( quickly adjusting my hair, trying to see if my bald spot was visible- damn it for me I am so short that most people can very easily see the top of my head :p) "Uh... really? Um...I didnt know that......"

Her: " Yes, and I think YOU could use this hair fall prevention cream it is.....dadadadda..." 

( after  which I pretty much zoned her out and just smiled and nodded hoping that she would shut up, and made my escape at the first opportunity I got)

Ok- moving on to the more pleasant aspects of the grocery store -Loyalty Cards! I simply love them, and I have one for my favorite  grocery store in the....well, city. ( I won't say which particular place I am talking about since I might have some potential stalkers who might be reading my blog and/or following me around - but let me assure you that loyalty cards are amazing, not only they give you discounts, but cash back as well which you can use whenever ones pocket becomes light. 

I HATE it when people do not have any courtesy while navigating themselves though the aisles, they just push you aside like it's not groceries, but Gul Ahmed having its annual 70% off sale.Please people- grocery shopping is an art, a very under-appreciated simple joy of life- cherish it.